The Unseen Hero: How My Psychiatrist Saved My Life

While many can point to specific life events as turning points, their significance varies. I experienced three worst moments: betrayal,abuse,death. The experience I'm about to share is the 4th pivotal moment that changed my life's trajectory and revealed my hidden depression.

Before this incident, I believed I was a strong, brave family rebel, handling things my way without showing emotion. Only my diary knew. I viewed vulnerability as weakness and aimed to be strong-minded. Now, I’m more open-minded, and my definition of brave has changed.

During my first year as a resident doctor, a mother in labor delivered a baby who wasn’t breathing well. A pediatrician and I tried to save him; he intubated while I performed chest compressions. A desperate measure of resuscitation failed and the baby took the last of his difficult breaths in my hands, a mere opinion of a pediatrician could not change my disbelief of his death, at that moment miracle was all that I ever wanted, not wanting to accept reality. A nurse informed me we had to leave for a new patient. The pediatrician told me to go and he would inform the family. I felt dizzy and numb, knowing that moment would change my life.I felt helpless.

I went to the ward, did my work, and didn’t talk to anyone. After my shift, I cried until 3 AM and fell asleep around 4. I woke up for duty at 9 AM, working like a robot, not wishing anyone good morning. I spoke to patients plainly, as if forced. The joy I once had in my work vanished.

In the baby’s death review meeting, seniors discussed the case and concluded we did nothing wrong. It didn’t matter. I felt no relief. Since the baby died, I felt total numbness. That day, again I cried till midnight. Woke up and worked from 9AM to 9PM, like a robot. I felt nothing but numbness for a week. My colleague tried to counsel me, but it didn’t matter. Since my work was fine, everyone assumed I was tense because of something else. I felt hopeless about future for the first time in my life.

I suspected a mental issue and consulted my friend Harshali, a psychiatrist. She suggested it was depression and anxiety, recommending I see a psychiatrist. I was reluctant to seek help due to the stigma around mental health in our community, fearing it might jeopardize my career as a medical professional. If I visit a psychiatrist in Akola, I knew everyone would eventually find out. And I might be perceived as weak. I decided to handle it on my own. As long as I do my work, I’ll be fine. She insisted and tried to reason with me, but it was no use. She asked me to call her daily for updates.

On the 5th day, I was on duty with Dr. Deepak when a similar patient arrived. He urged me to deliver quickly due to time constraints. I froze. The world stopped. I felt dizzy. I looked at him blankly, confused. I said I couldn’t do it. I started crying in front of at least 10 patients and staff, sobbing loudly and uncontrollably. Sir noticed something was wrong and asked a nurse to take me to the side room until he arrived. He assured me he’d deliver the patient.

I cried for the baby I couldn’t save, the mother who lost her child, the helpless baby who trusted us but died. The world is cruel, and I felt worthless for not saving him.

After the shift, sir met me and asked what was wrong. I cried. He was patient and summoned my friend Kiran, who explained I had been crying since last week’s baby death incident.

For the first time, I told them the truth: I couldn’t stop crying. “At work, I controlled myself, but otherwise I cried. I felt like I had lost my baby. It felt personal. No one understood my comparison; everyone thought I was overreacting. So I stopped sharing my feelings. But every day after work, I cried. To me, I had lost a baby, regardless of whose it was. I dreaded work, knowing the same patient would come again. What if I couldn’t save the baby again? ”

Until then, everyone tried to counsel me that it wasn’t my mistake and I should handle it like a doctor, learning and growing from the experience.

Deepak sir recognized something unusual. He advised me to see a psychiatrist, as my reaction wasn’t normal. He knows a city psychiatrist and will inform him of my visit. I couldn’t argue; my work was suffering. I view my duty as my life’s purpose, and when my work was impacted, I realized I needed help.

Kiran took me to psychiatrist Dr. Manish Tale in Akola. In 30 minutes, I shared everything. He asked detailed questions and diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. He prescribed medicine and scheduled weekly follow-up. He explained the pros and cons of all medicine, starting with a small dose due to my job requirements. After a week, my sleep improved, so he increased my dose. After 4 visits and trying different medications, he confirmed Major depression with anxiety. I was taking 7 pills daily. I was improving, but my family was restless.

My family chose a higher center and took me to Dr. Sgar Balke at Sion Hospital Mumbai, where I would live with my sister. However, I decided not to take leave from work as I wasn’t ready to give up my job, my only identity. So, I’ll come to Mumbai for regular checkups.

Two months later, I had a major depressive episode and attempted suicide. We decided on a month of leave with constant observation. Since Mumbai was not possible, I was referred to Dr. Ritwick at Arambh clinic in Pune. I stayed for a month for intensive treatment with my friend, while my family and friends provided constant companionship.

I had difficulty accepting the diagnosis. As a science student, I read scientific papers and textbooks after the first consultation. Research shows antidepressants are effective for major depressive disorder. A review of 522 clinical trials found all 21 antidepressants significantly outperformed placebos in alleviating short-term symptoms. A meta-analysis in the Journal of the American Medical Association concluded the benefits of antidepressants outweigh the risks, supporting their use as a first-line treatment for depression.

On the first day of consultation, I chose to trust medical science over societal judgment. I would listen to my body and mind. When the body malfunctions, it needs treatment. I wasn’t shy about other medicine, so why this one? My mental system was broken, and there are medicines to help. Instead of suffering silently, I decided to take the treatment. Finally, Harshali’s message from the past week made sense.

That decision kept me alive: 2 medications or 10, 1 month observation or 20 rounds of ECT. I was open to everything, though I had doubts. I let professionals decide.

Psychiatry and medicine are crucial for my recovery. I’m fortunate to have access to these treatments today; otherwise, I might have lived a life of depression , If I was born 50 years ago or lived elsewhere.

Seeking professional mental health help can be daunting due to stigma and accessibility challenges. Consider options like online consultations and home medication delivery to overcome barriers related to cost, transportation, or privacy. Your mental well-being is as important as your physical health, and seeking treatment is a sign of strength.

We’ve made progress in education, so why not accept mental health as a system like respiratory and digestive? If we accept medicine for other organs, why not for mental health?

It took me time to accept, so take yours, but know it’s fine to seek treatment, and it’s worth it.