My Third Challenge - Understanding impact of Depression on Loved Ones

In depression, one thing I had to remind myself is “Truth lies.”

2/5/20253 min read

I felt worthless, unlovable, alone, though it is miles from the truth. Despite the lies my depression told me, the unwavering support of those around me revealed a truth I couldn’t see. In this challenge, I want to acknowledge the efforts of another important group: people who loved me in my darkest.

It is a common saying that,"Your shadow leaves you in the dark." But I witnessed otherwise, when my own had left me in the dark, there were a bunch of people sitting with me saying nothing. And just being with me, adamant to leave even when told to 'leave me alone'. And these are the angels who are the reason I am alive today.

I have said hurtful things to them, though I didn't mean it. Though they understand it, it's important to acknowledge the pain of depression and anxiety on my family and friends and all the loved ones. I worried that "people couldn't accept me because of it." In my difficult moments, I convinced myself that "their affection was solely for my happier version, and I don't deserve their love." In my all day crying phase, I asked them to leave me alone, to let me die in peace. But they kept reassuring me of their love and support. Now I can sense how much I had hurt them.

Depression is supposed to be a family secret. My family visited me regularly. I tried to distance myself, I didn’t want them to see me in pain, unable to grasp their challenges. They had to witness my struggles with depression,listen to my thoughts of suicide and reliance on sleeping pills and still let me live on my own. I can now comprehend how difficult was it for them.All they requested was morning-night video calls, or at least texts. They would ask me have I eaten or not and many unimportant things. But all they wanted to reassure was that I was alive. That I hadn’t given up in last 12 hours of our talk. Their support never wavered. I remember them shedding tears, begging me to come back home, but I stubbornly clung to my work, because that was the only thing giving some hope to me. My parents said, “Do what you believe is right, but keep us informed. When the world becomes unbearable,leave everything and come back, we are capable enough to take care of you for lifetime.”

Unknowingly, I caused pain to those who cared for me. My friend reached out daily, but I ignored them. I didn’t feel like texting or calling. I dreaded the conversation. It was too energy-consuming. They asked for a simple text to know I was safe, yet I remained silent. One day,I was crying inconsistently and called Shubhangi, confessing I needed her urgently. She was in the office. She was about to leave when her boss warned her that leaving could cost her job. Regardless, she chose to come to my rescue. Harshali called daily,asking about depression symptoms and reminding me to take my medication. In my turmoil, I accused her of caring more for illness than for me as a psychiatrist, failing to see her genuine concern.I used to ignore calls and texts, feeling overwhelmed. But whenever I reached out, even in late hours, they were there for me.They listened without mentioning hurtful messages or ignored calls. They never ever mentioned my hurtful sayings.

Though there were some friends who abandoned me, labeling me as emotionally unstable and too much to handle. And they had the dare to come back when I got better. Those were the ones who only wanted a happier version of me. One thing depression did was filter out fake people in my life.

I gave up on myself, but not my loved ones, even though I hurt them deeply. After six to nine months lost in depression, I realized my actions. With a heavy heart, I reached out and asked for forgiveness, prepared for them to walk away. What they said moved me to tears: “It was your depression, not you, who said those things. We know the real you. And you’re my friend. That’s what friends do—we support you, even when you push us away.”