My fourth Challenge-Choosing Life, Finding Joy

As I stared up at the ceiling fan, the only sound in the room was the steady whirring that seemed to mock my despair. I had never felt so alone, so consumed by thoughts of ending my life.

Every day when I woke up, I would think about just getting through the day. I used to think, "Now there are 12 long hours I have to survive without killing myself." I would take it one hour at a time, telling myself I’d worry about the next hour later. It was exhausting. I didn’t want to end my life—I just wanted to end the pain.

Thoughts of ending my life constantly occupied my mind. I thought about all my loved ones and came to the conclusion that they would miss me for a while, but they would eventually be free from me and my depression forever. I convinced myself that my death would benefit them in the long run. I would stare at the ceiling fan and wonder, "Will it hurt if I hang myself? Am I too heavy to die from hanging" I even thought about staging an accident so no one would know it was a suicide—it seemed like it would be easier for my parents to cope with. I wondered if my partner would ever forgive himself if he found me dead in my room. I knew he would feel responsible for my death, believing he had failed to support me at my worst.

These thoughts of ending my life lingered. Then one day, I came across book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware

The title seemed somewhat morbid, but I thought to myself, "If I were to die today, I wouldn’t regret much. I wonder what normal people regret?"

When I started reading, something shifted. I realized that maybe I wasn’t ready to die just yet. I didn’t want to die feeling numb with regrets. I promised myself that I would improve and live a fulfilling life so that when my time eventually came, I could leave with no regrets.

The book, written by Bronnie Ware, offers powerful insights. Ware spent years working in palliative care, caring for patients who went home to die. She was with them during the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. The conversations she had, the emotions she witnessed, and the goodbyes she observed were deeply moving. The vulnerability and acceptance of these patients were powerful reminders of the things I had forgotten during my depression.

Though I often felt numb, this book reminded me that I was much more than my despair. It made me reflect on how, in the past, my loved ones had been my priority. How happy I used to be. Ware’s advice to live consciously, wisely, and honestly—to prioritize happiness—struck a old rusty chord in me. Her insights reminded me to live a life true to myself, filled with love, honest communication, and joy.

Her reflections from palliative care are profound, offering a unique perspective on the human condition and the regrets people face at the end of life. She identified five common regrets:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish I had let myself be happier.

The second regret - "I wish I hadn't worked so hard" - was another important lesson. I had always prided myself on my productivity and work ethicno matter how I suffered in personal life, but Ware's insights made me realize that I had sacrificed too much of my personal life and well-being in the process. I vowed to create more balance and make time for the people and activities that nourished my soul.

Looking back, I can see how Ware's lessons have helped me make positive changes. I've made more time for the people I love, and I'm more open about expressing my feelings and asking for help . And perhaps most importantly, I've learned to be kinder to myself and find joy in the present moment, rather than constantly trying to just stay alive for the sake of living.

While I still have difficult days, I'm no longer consumed by thoughts of ending my life all the time. Instead, I'm focused on living a life I won't regret - one filled with purpose, connection, and genuine contentment. There came time when I would amaze myself by not thinking about death for a whole day. Ware's insights have given me a renewed sense of hope and determination to make the most of the time I have. Her words have become a touchstone, reminding me to stay true to myself and savor every precious moment.

Here's the book link The Top Five Regrets Of The Dying A Life Transformed By The Dearly Departed