My First Challenge And Tool - Accepting My Depression

As a doctor, I've witnessed suffering, tragedy, and death, and worked in tribal areas with extreme health issues.I had to inform relatives about a patient's death. I lost my grandfather during my final exams and still went through with it.I considered myself a resilient and brave girl.

Two years ago, I witnessed a baby's death. I was so sad, but it affected me more than I thought. I slowly lost interest in things, including books, movies, eating, and sleeping. Now I only sleep 3-4 hours. I thought it might be grief, and then I lost interest in my work.

One day I woke up and didn’t want to do anything, not even go to the bathroom. It felt like too much work and pain and emptiness. I questioned the point of waking up and going through another day. I never felt so hopeless in my life. I considered ending my life and the only reason I didn’t was to avoid hurting my family. The only thing in my mind was how my parents will feel. I know, no matter the reason, they would have felt guilt till no end.

As a doctor, I recognized it wasn't normal grief.It wasn't a normal reaction. I had perfect health, a good life with family, friends, and a job I loved. And no valid reason to consider ending it. But the suicidal thoughts were deeply troubling, but also a wake-up call that I needed to take action. I knew I couldn't continue on this path alone, so I reached out to my friend Harshali, a psychiatrist, and shared how I was feeling. Following her advice, I saw a psychiatrist the same day , as I trusted that medical science could help me through this difficult time.He diagnosed me with major depression and anxiety. I started medication for my depression on same day, I put my trust in medical science.

One often overlooked aspect of depression is that I knew in my core that it doesnt made sense but how could one explain the feeling I was having ? The lack of energy was overwhelming, preventing me from eating, bathing, sleeping, or talking normally, leading to frequent crying. The more I tried to make resist, the more it haunted me.

People say depression is sadness, but it's much, much more - sadness without knowing why. I heard on a TED talk said the opposite of depression is not happiness, it’s vitality(liveliness). And that's what I was missing.

It took me a month to accept I could have major depression. I had to remind myself that depression doesn't discriminate - it can affect anyone, regardless of their circumstances. Accepting that this was a legitimate medical condition, not a personal failing, was crucial to getting the help I needed.

This was a crucial step. Depression grew when suppressed, depleting my energy.Tolerating it makes me more resilient.It's not about finding meaning in depression but thinking, "It's a medical condition. Treatments are available. The path will be challenging, but I'll manage with the right tools."

I say "I am not depressed person.I have depression, it's a disease not a choice and that doesn't define me."This shift in mindset has been empowering, allowing me to be more open about my struggles and focus on my recovery, rather than feeling ashamed or trying to hide it.

- Dr. Smita More